As we approach the dawn of another Premiership season and hope of silverware is currently at the apex of its yearly bloom, Red hearts everywhere are a-flutter at the thought that this could be the year Liverpool secure #19.
Just like your first horrific sunburn (after passing out drunk on the beach) or your car’s air-conditioning breaking 30 minutes into a 7-hour road trip, “Can Liverpool win the title this season?” chatter is a seasonal right-of-passage.
After multiple blood-stirring transfers and some promising exhibition outings, expectations have been raised as the specter of our stingy defense coupled with a new attacking brand of play dances in minds of the Anfield faithful. And once the season starts, each four-goal victory or resolute clean sheet will kindle talk of a title. Yet, just like the stock market, one bad performance or piece of negative news can have a deleterious effect on the collective bullishness of fans.
This is why I’ve decided to introduce a reoccurring post/gimmick. Inspired by the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, Liverpool followers will now have their own symbolic device to gauge how close LFC is to reclaiming its rightful throne by winning the Premier League crown.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to unveil the Liverpool Doomsday Clock.
Unlike the real thing, where midnight represents “catastrophic destruction” of humankind, midnight on the Liverpool Doomsday Clock (LDC) represents LFC winning the Premier League.
Reading the clock is quite simple: The closer the minute hand gets to midnight, the closer Liverpool is to returning to the summit of English football. The further the minute hand moves away from midnight, the further away the 19th championship.
Just like the Bulletin monitors world events and resets their clock according to global trends, the LDC will be updated to reflect recent developments in the world of Liverpool football. Unlike the original, the time between changes on our faux-time telling device will be measured in days or weeks, not months or years.
While the Bulletin’s Board of Directors don’t react immediately to one singular event, instead opting to consider the Big Picture, the LDC will most certainly measure the club’s progressions and regressions with a knee-jerk reflex-like flair. Whether it be a triumphant victory over hated rivals, a disappointing draw with relegation fodder, a fresh injury report or even strong words from the gaffer’s press conference, the clock’s minute hand will be sensitive to individual circumstances.
Take, for instance, an example from last season. Upon news of Craig Bellamy’s nine-iron leg massage on John Arne Riise, the LDC would have reacted negatively. Even though the attack came prior to the Barcelona game, the assumption would have been that such a severe rift within the squad would sidetrack not only the Champions League game, but the domestic campaign as well. The clock would most certainly have been set back.
Yet, only days later, both Riise and Bellamy score in a fantastic victory, with no apparent residual negativity, the clock would have reacted positively and been restored to its previous position.
But why, you might ask, if ‘midnight’ signifies an occurance as outstanding as winning the league title, should it be called the Liverpool Doomsday Clock?
Besides the obvious fun of ripping off such an ingenius indicator for the not-so-fun End of Days, it’s aptly named because of the ramifications that reaching midnight will have for our rivals. Liverpool’s re-coronation will surely serve as ‘Doomsday’ for the rest of the Premiership as the last thing the likes of Chelsea, United and Arsenal care to see is this slumbering giant awakened and the dynasty of decades past renewed.
While some may claim that it’s premature to talk about the title before the New Year, I counter that it’s never too early for reckless speculation and unreasonable expectations! As the saying goes, ‘You can’t win the title in (enter an early month here), but you sure can lose it.’
So, it is as this time, after careful consideration (including past seasons, pre-season performances and recent transfers), that Being Sven sets the Liverpool Doomsday Clock at ten (10) minutes before midnight.
The greatest burden (and ability) to move the clock forward rests in the capable hands of Rafa and the lads. Do they have what it takes to make it to the Witching Hour? Will they realize the dream?
Only time will tell.
The Clock is ticking.