An Open Letter to Robert Burns and John Juhasz


I can’t say I make it a habit of reading your ‘Side Kicks’ column on a regular basis, but I did happen upon it this week. How you chose to start it was rather interesting…

Even though he plays for Liverpool, I just have to admit it.

I’ve got a man-crush on Fernando Torres.

The kid just keeps impressing me week in and week out with his mazy runs and clinical finishing. His elegance on the ball in tight spaces is even more ridiculous when contrasted with the speed of Premiership play.

I was completely convinced that El Niño would have a hard time adjusting to England’s pace, but instead of changing his game to suit the league, he’s simply imposed his will on it. Prem defenders seem dumbfounded when facing him 1v1 and ‘keepers just don’t know where to position themselves when he charges in.

He’s this season’s Dimitar Berbatov without a doubt, only his club is going places.

The Reds were impressive to say the least against Marseille, especially after getting a 4-0 result in France at the Stade Velodrome. Don’t be surprised if the Golden Boy sees them through to the final once again, but we’ll wait and see what the draw on December 21st has in store.

But honestly, I don’t see Liverpool afraid of any club in Europe after huge wins in the last couple of European campaigns over teams like Real Madrid, Juventus, Chelsea and Milan.

Firstly, “Even though he plays for Liverpool…”? I suppose this establishes you’re not Liverpool fans. That’s certainly OK, I just wanted to make that clear. As a fan of some nameless club, you can obviously appreciate sublime talent when you see it and give it its due credit. Thank you for that. Even if you were a Doubting Thomas at first.


You need to get the hell up off my Man Crush before I put my boot through yer teeth. Don’t be thinking you’re gonna get all sweet on him and climb up on the bandwagon now. Uh-uh! No way!

He’s ours. And by ours, I mean us Liverpool fans who were behind him from Day One. And by those type of fans, I mean me. We all know how he fast he is. We all know how he combines that pace with silky smooth dribbling, the ability to render defenders useless and a presence that declares that he will not be denied. No, we all knew the talents he possessed. We knew almost immediately that he was going to ‘settle’ just fine. So you can take your ‘Golden Boy’-loving self and set yo ass up in the Cristiano Ronaldo line, cuz you ain’t welcome round here.

I don’t appreciate no Johnny Come Latelys trying to declare their non-sexual infatuation with the Anfield #9. I’ve already done that. I was here first. He’s mine. Don’t even think about it.  You need to take your sorry ass back to the Premier League table and find another striker to fawn all over because this Spainard is mine. He’s spoken for. He’s taken. T-A-K-E-N, taken. Got it? And don’t even be thinking you’re going to sneak in behind my back, because I’m watching you. And if so much as look at El Nino wrong, I’ll gauge your eyes out.

And if you call him a Berbatov again, I’m going to slap the taste out yer mouth.

Best Regards,


In fact, y’all shouldn’t even be looking at this…



7 Responses to “An Open Letter to Robert Burns and John Juhasz”

  1. 1 Georger December 15, 2007 at 1:58 am

    “huge wins in the last couple of European campaigns over teams like Real Madrid”

    my history may be off, but wasnt the last time we played them in the champions league in 1981?

  2. 2 Johninho December 15, 2007 at 9:37 pm

    Best impact of a first-year striker in a foreign league since Batistuta at Fiorentina. I love that we finally get the striker every one is after.

  3. 3 Georger December 16, 2007 at 10:17 am

    awesome. dominate the first half give up a goal by leaving rooney unmarked right before the half.
    we could spend a billion dollars on players and they still wouldnt win against united

  4. 4 Georger December 16, 2007 at 11:30 am

    season over before christmas. didnt think that would be possible this season.

    this all goes back to rafa’s decision to buy a striker and central attacking midfielder in babel and yossi to address the wings. perhaps he hadnt learned enough from riise that putting players who arent wingers out wide will give you no service. both are very good players but neither are wingers. you cant bitch about not having wings after athens then make no attempt to sign one

    there was no service at all today. poor game from kewell but he can do better, yossi riise and fabio really cant be expected to be counted on for them BECAUSE THEY ARENT FUCKING WINGERS

    torres disappeared but ill chalk that up to not getting any service, but he has to hit that header in during the first half.

    kuyt, he has to go. how anyone can defend him is beyond me. though i do think sticking with the marseilles lineup was the right call, but leaving kuyt out for seventy minutes was not

    how much we miss alonsos passing cannot be overemphasized. masche is great at what he does but he isnt going to create. we would be much better off playing three in the back with him in front.

    this is getting to the point that it isnt really a rivalry, one team has to be competitive for it to be a rivalry. four straight wins for FUCKS SAKE

    how many premiership wins does rafa have against arsenal, united, and chelsea? four maybe? if the rumors about him getting no money in january are true i expect him to walk out the door. we clearly do not have the best players. same problems as the last few years, no width and no service. spend as much money on strikers as you want but if there is noone to get them the ball they wont score

    season is over. break the clock. i feel like crying.

  5. 5 Precious Roy December 17, 2007 at 3:19 pm

    Kuyt. Rhymes with ‘gout.’ And about as attractive to watch.

    Hey, I’m no Liverpool fan either, but I also have a small man crush on El Niño.

  6. 6 Pete December 17, 2007 at 8:56 pm

    “Best impact of a first-year striker in a foreign league since Batistuta at Fiorentina. I love that we finally get the striker every one is after.”

    RVN scored 23 prem goals and 10 in the Champs league his first season at Man U, Henry scored 26 for the Gunners. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

  7. 7 Black Hornet December 19, 2007 at 8:36 am

    @Pete: I have heard him described as the biggest impact foreigner since Henry tho.

    @Georger: Kuyt has been anonymous this season and I expected him to go in January … until I heard about the money problems with Anfield II, the Kaladze quagmire and that Mascherano’s deal will have to wait. Not a good Omen.

    Liverpool fans are really behind Benitez, but it seems that the communication between Benitez and the owners is frayed at best. They should have known what Benitez would want in January and planned accordingly. Or Benitez should have known that there would be restrictions in the budget and lined up a few outgoing deals to pay for the incoming ones. Something’s not right there, dont you think?

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